I met Mr Liu the night Industry Day 2018 happened, a week before my birthday. Prior to meeting we texted and everything felt nice and casual.
Spontaneously we went for tau huay; Audrey (coincidentally also his primary school classmate!) and Yihmay were around too. The same week we met a few times, and the following week, and on and on and on…
He grew on me, I was intrigued. In the back of my mind I thought he was the one I have been waiting for, he was everything I wanted, he made me felt I could actually like a local boy and want to pursue something serious.
We laughed at the same lame shit, we talked about our families and diving, we text funny and sweet messages, we exercised together…
We progressed, a tad too quickly for our good I supposed.
People assumed I was his girlfriend. Even I thought I was, because he did not deny.
“When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.”
So true, baby, so true.
Me being me, impatient and overly excited, started to have expectations from my new muse. To date I could not figure out why we did not communicate sooner, if he had different intention. I did not ask? It was convenient?
I felt him pulling away. If anything, my intuitions are pretty strong. It was not the same, despite him giving me work-excuses. I snapped a couple of times because he left me hanging, or simply making me an option. To him it was too much emotions to handle.
But there was only one – disappointment.
One evening, I thought I deserve better. Until the last time I met him, I had to be the one broaching the subject, if we should go on or leave it at that. He was decided. So his excuses were just, excuses. I became difficult to handle. He told me he did not change since we met, hah.
There was no one to blame. I ended the night blaming myself but no, not anymore.
“Mr Liu, I really liked you. We both thought there could be something in the near future. Even though it was short, I had a lot of good times with you, so much so I wanted more, and I will not apologise for wanting more because I am who I am. You were the one who made me thought we were an item and you did not clear it up when I asked to speak, not once, but twice. We said we would communicate instead of calling it quits so easily. I did what I said but I’m not so sure about you.
I’m sorry I do not look like a bank, or a dollar note, because those shit mean more to you. I was angry not because I didn’t get to you see; I was angry because you MIA-ed, I was angry because our plan became yours (and your friend’s) and I became an option, I was angry because you suggest dinner but got lazy.. and instead of texting me you just vanished for a few hours. I could be angry the night we went cycling because you didn’t even ask if Alicia and Jayden could join, you simply asked them to, despite knowing I wanted to spend time together. I already knew by then the end was near. Did you really think I was stupid?
Work was always your excuse. I use it when I’m not interest too, hun. The night you decided to leave me in Orchard at 1am on the first day of CNY was the night I knew logically you don’t deserve me. No text to check if I was even okay. When I asked if it bothered you, you made it sound like I deserve it.
Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to savage things? I thought it was me. But it wasn’t. I just don’t know how to make you happy again, because you built a wall, and I can’t be with someone who only build walls and not talk.
For a while I cried, and I walked the places we walked, listened to the songs we sang at KTV, looked at the happy photos we took, reading the messages we exchanged… and wonder how the fuck did I fuck this up.
But it is really not me, I’m trying to work on this. You don’t deserve me because you operated the relationship on your terms. I was sorry that I am not perfect and wanted to fix things, be it compromising or giving you space. But you didn’t think you did anything wrong, did you?
I am bruised because I haven’t been dating anyone for a long time and this all felt new to me. And it hurts because I was genuine.
I hope you are happy now, Mr Liu, aka Mr Unavailable.”