Throwing aside the stress and long hours, I should be celebrating the end of my last major project, which ended on a high-note (or so I assumed). Instead, I feel my heart wrenching as I scrolled through the posts with the hashtags, and seeing all the items I cursed and sweared at appearing in the background.

I have fucking outdone myself this time. The helped I have received along the way are very much appreciated.

Majority of the things done are pretty insignificant if you ask me. But it adds up. All the moments I thought I couldnt deliver… I did.

“I just need a break.”

Not sure if this boils down to my decision. Will an easier job have the same amount of job satisfaction? I have built a system, a legacy, and most importantly trust.

I think I will miss the crazy, but my identity can not be shaped at work.

Who knows how it goes in a few months?

I tore down the wall with my own hands.

To let yourself be emotionally vulnerable is a big thing. All the confidence that was built up, all the cautiousness that you reminded yourself, and all the validation you didnt need, is now in someone’s hands.

Standing at the bus stop hoping to bump into him, is such a loser thing to do, but I did it anyway. All the arrogance I thought could be used as cover ups, I admit defeat to it.

Thinking whoever has a happier social media life emerges as the winner was a mistake. But I make the mistake.

I chose him over the other, and bearing the consequences now is a pain. If I have to make that decision again, I’ll let myself be in pain again.

I miss him, and I wonder all the time how he is.

I think I lost the battle terribly.

I met Mr Liu the night Industry Day 2018 happened, a week before my birthday. Prior to meeting we texted and everything felt nice and casual.

Spontaneously we went for tau huay; Audrey (coincidentally also his primary school classmate!) and Yihmay were around too. The same week we met a few times, and the following week, and on and on and on…

He grew on me, I was intrigued. In the back of my mind I thought he was the one I have been waiting for, he was everything I wanted, he made me felt I could actually like a local boy and want to pursue something serious.

We laughed at the same lame shit, we talked about our families and diving, we text funny and sweet messages, we exercised together…

We progressed, a tad too quickly for our good I supposed.

People assumed I was his girlfriend. Even I thought I was, because he did not deny.

“When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.”

So true, baby, so true.

Me being me, impatient and overly excited, started to have expectations from my new muse. To date I could not figure out why we did not communicate sooner, if he had different intention. I did not ask? It was convenient?

I felt him pulling away. If anything, my intuitions are pretty strong. It was not the same, despite him giving me work-excuses. I snapped a couple of times because he left me hanging, or simply making me an option. To him it was too much emotions to handle.

But there was only one – disappointment.

One evening, I thought I deserve better. Until the last time I met him, I had to be the one broaching the subject, if we should go on or leave it at that. He was decided. So his excuses were just, excuses. I became difficult to handle. He told me he did not change since we met, hah.

There was no one to blame. I ended the night blaming myself but no, not anymore.

“Mr Liu, I really liked you. We both thought there could be something in the near future. Even though it was short, I had a lot of good times with you, so much so I wanted more, and I will not apologise for wanting more because I am who I am. You were the one who made me thought we were an item and you did not clear it up when I asked to speak, not once, but twice. We said we would communicate instead of calling it quits so easily. I did what I said but I’m not so sure about you.

I’m sorry I do not look like a bank, or a dollar note, because those shit mean more to you. I was angry not because I didn’t get to you see; I was angry because you MIA-ed, I was angry because our plan became yours (and your friend’s) and I became an option, I was angry because you suggest dinner but got lazy.. and instead of texting me you just vanished for a few hours. I could be angry the night we went cycling because you didn’t even ask if Alicia and Jayden could join, you simply asked them to, despite knowing I wanted to spend time together. I already knew by then the end was near. Did you really think I was stupid?

Work was always your excuse. I use it when I’m not interest too, hun. The night you decided to leave me in Orchard at 1am on the first day of CNY was the night I knew logically you don’t deserve me. No text to check if I was even okay. When I asked if it bothered you, you made it sound like I deserve it.

Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to savage things? I thought it was me. But it wasn’t. I just don’t know how to make you happy again, because you built a wall, and I can’t be with someone who only build walls and not talk.

For a while I cried, and I walked the places we walked, listened to the songs we sang at KTV, looked at the happy photos we took, reading the messages we exchanged… and wonder how the fuck did I fuck this up.

But it is really not me, I’m trying to work on this. You don’t deserve me because you operated the relationship on your terms. I was sorry that I am not perfect and wanted to fix things, be it compromising or giving you space. But you didn’t think you did anything wrong, did you?

I am bruised because I haven’t been dating anyone for a long time and this all felt new to me. And it hurts because I was genuine.

I hope you are happy now, Mr Liu, aka Mr Unavailable.”

 

We are at the third quarter of 2018 in the blink of an eye!

This year I feel fortunate – to be given a lot of opportunities, at work and in life. Not everything goes as I wish, of course, but keeping a strict exercise regime helps.

Came across the video (below) once, thought it was very impactful, and resonates deeply. It didn’t stop there. Every now and then my thoughts drift back to her speech, and I think about every single person who tried to put me down, every humiliation that came through as a “joke” and everything I want to do, that people thought I could not.

I am more than now.

I decided to walk home one day, 10km. It was challenging. When you wear the wrong pair of shoes it’s a bitch. So I tried with another pair, on another day.

Then another day.

And another day.

The road got shorter, my endurance got higher.

The time got faster, my breaths got longer.

The stress got lower, the night got calmer.

A weight loss journey is pretty mental as I figured, but truly a test.

I have no shame to say I am pretty damn proud of myself; to put in so much effort, even though work never got lesser. Fucking earned it, baby.

Have a better week y’all.

It will always be a blessing in a corner of my heart to have met some exceptional people in my life. Every year came, and every year left, just as the people in my life. What we had made out of it, are carved in vivid images. And thou shall smile when reminded of those days filled with stomach cramps from laughter and issues resolved with sincere conversation with no hidden agenda. Let alone not be lonely.

Bring the shit on, 2018.